Hope you are all well! So the thing is I just wanted to throw a wee issue I am having out there and hear back form you guys. Maybe you can relate, been there, or have done this yourself? Either way it's cracking me up and just want outside opinion.
So I have this very very good friend. We see each other about once a month...but recently (last two years) all she does is moan and complain, bitch about her ex(father of her son)/family/sister and/or talk about her son. I really want to help her and have tried encouraging her. It's just really draining me. And I hate to say but now when I see her ring me or have plans to go see her I am filled with a bit of dread (is this really bad...coz I feel bad).
I don't have a thing against kids (I freaking love them) but I want to talk to her about anything other than constant toddler stuff (no I don't want to know every details of his eating/pooing habits etc). Is this a single girl things? Other friends of mine are very concious of not boring me or other friends with constant kid talk....it's a given. This I do not know how to approach or deal with, without upsetting her.
I want to remain friends but it's got sooooo intense and then if she doesn't hear from me she gets annoyed like I have abandoned her. :-(
Apart from this she is so lovely. If only she could be more positive...change her outlook....something!
Mummy's out there, what advice would you have? Single girls in similar position? Please help.
I guess say to her that, of course, you care and want to be there to help her through tough times, but there essentially isn't anything you can do, and hearing her being down on things is just making you down too? Perhaps suggest that you should meet and do fun stuff to take her mind off all the crap, which gives you an excuse to tell her off if she starts moaning again!
People with toddles can bee a bit obsessive, but that'll pass, or at least it'll get less intense, as the child grows. Personally, I try not to bore people who don't have kids with stories of mine, as I remember how boring it was to listen to a group of mothers comparing children's pantyhose sizes and different brands…
As for advising on how to deal with it… perhaps try to talk about other subjects, don't let her dominate the conversation. Do something together that isn't just all about talking, like going to an art exhibition, where you can discuss the paintings rather than her life problems.
I had a friend like that once. She'd call and say, "Why don't you ever call me?" But when we talked all she talked about was her vast array of problems with money and exes/current husband's ex/blah, blah, blahhhhh. Problems that I thought were ridiculous (she caused a lot of her own problems by making poor decisions) and could no way sympathize with or help. It was a drag. Like you said, I dreaded talking to her. I eventually "broke up" with her, but for other reasons. Sorry, I really can't offer any advice because I had no idea what to do when I was in that situation myself! I think everyone has one friend who is like that.
Sorry Wendy! That's a tough situation. I totally understand the dreading feeling you get--and you shouldn't feel bad at all.
I would try something like this: The next time you hang out, maybe you can tell her that you don't get to see her that often, and that you'd like to focus on you and her and your friendship. Tell her that she has to leave all the complaining and negativity and talk of her problems behind her for that day. Tell her that you want to hear positive talk and that you're not trying to be insensitive, but that you don't think it's healthy to keep focusing on all of that.
If she doesn't get the hint, you might have to be more direct with her and let her know that you want to be supportive, but that you're tired of hearing her complain everytime you see her. Not an easy conversation, but you can't keep on with your friendship unless you're up front with her.
I think the activity thing is a good idea. Something fun to cheer her up and something that means you arent sitting there listening to her complain.
Perhaps when it continually goes to baby-land, you can add something like "it must be nice to get out and have some grownup time. What is going on outside of being a mum?" and maybe that will stear things in a different direction.
Not easy!
