First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you thatcommunication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for afact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you
make me text people that I don'tactually want to know about but seem to be
unable to stay away from?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,onion
and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater,but think you went
too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue homeby
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get thefront
door key into the lock!!
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility iscompletely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face
down on the kitchen floor witha bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiates
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have
noco-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
Dubz I believe this is the first time I've seen an avatar that is not a frothy beer. Ironic that you started this alcohol thread but the beer is gone.
Last Friday some friends were driving from Houston to Austin after Thanksgiving part 2. He had a few beers but stopped drinking several hours before they left. She had more but wasn't driving so who cares.
He gets pulled over for speeding by the biggest douchebag cop in Texas who decides my friend is drunk and insists he do the breathilizer test. He refuses (he told me long ago that he would never submit to that testing on principal basically). Then the cop gets really pissed and drags my other friend out and asks her if she had been drinking. She says yes but also refuses the breathlizer test.
He arrests them both- him for DUI and her for "public intoxication". WTF??! 15 hours and $750 later they are out and get their car out of the impound. He had a court order blood test so it's all hinging on that. If he wasn't drunk (they figured out he had stopped drinking 5 hours before they got pulled over) then the hope is they can get her arrest expunged because if the state promotes the whole designated driver thing they can't punish her for sitting in a car and not driving.
Especially her arrest is truly the most biggest pile of horse poo ever. I want to take this cop down for being such the biggest loser toolbag EVER.
Dubz I believe this is the first time I've seen an avatar that is not a frothy beer. Ironic that you started this alcohol thread but the beer is gone.
Last Friday some friends were driving from Houston to Austin after Thanksgiving part 2. He had a few beers but stopped drinking several hours before they left. She had more but wasn't driving so who cares.
He gets pulled over for speeding by the biggest douchebag cop in Texas who decides my friend is drunk and insists he do the breathilizer test. He refuses (he told me long ago that he would never submit to that testing on principal basically). Then the cop gets really pissed and drags my other friend out and asks her if she had been drinking. She says yes but also refuses the breathlizer test.
He arrests them both- him for DUI and her for "public intoxication". WTF??! 15 hours and $750 later they are out and get their car out of the impound. He had a court order blood test so it's all hinging on that. If he wasn't drunk (they figured out he had stopped drinking 5 hours before they got pulled over) then the hope is they can get her arrest expunged because if the state promotes the whole designated driver thing they can't punish her for sitting in a car and not driving.
Especially her arrest is truly the most biggest pile of horse poo ever. I want to take this cop down for being such the biggest loser toolbag EVER.
Holy Hell! I'm gonna guess that the cop was highway patrol?? Those guys are the king douchebags! It's really fucked up that the girl gets areested too, can you not do the right thing?! I'd be gettin me some fancy lawyer if I was them, ya know like Jim Adler, "the tough smart lawyer" or "the Texas Hammer" or whatever his commercials say now :)
And the alcohol letter thing, no matter how drunk I am, I still know I can not dance :)
