Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:35 AM |
Jokes anyone ?
We need Jim for his thursday jokes.
Where is he ???
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Posts: 183 |
michele Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:57 AM |
Goddag!
i'd have an icelandic one but i would have to mime it.... |
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Edel Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 10:54 AM |
The bull auction
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the country one Saturday afternoon, and they are watching the bull auction.
The auctioneer announces that the first bull to be auctioned off is "a fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
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7 types of sex
---1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in
the face.
--- 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
--- 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
--- 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you."
--- 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
--- 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Do you have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No , I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
"Polish Remover" |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 11:12 AM |
| haha ! thanks Edel |
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Posts: 3778 |
megg_inc Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 11:38 AM |
Another Polish joke, I guess I have to get used to it ;P
But Polish Remover really made me laugh!
Edit: Oh, and dzien dobry everyone! :) |
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Posts: 199 |
Beetlebum82 Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:16 PM |
| Two Spanish on their first day in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Did you know they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I did not know that." "Well, If we're going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby bench. One looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Spanish and said: "Ohhh lucky you, I got the worse part!!" |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:18 PM |
Beetlebum82 wrote: Two Spanish on their first day in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Did you know they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I did not know that." "Well, If we're going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby bench. One looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Spanish and said: "Ohhh lucky you, I got the worse part!!"
MOUHAHAHAHA ! |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:21 PM |
reminds me of a true story i once heard at work - this guy travels to America for the 1st time in his life and upon meeting his relatives at JFK asks them "Who on earth is this Tony ?".
He was referring to the "WELCOME TO NY" signs !
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Posts: 199 |
Beetlebum82 Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:47 PM |
AbsolutPurple wrote: reminds me of a true story i once heard at work - this guy travels to America for the 1st time in his life and upon meeting his relatives at JFK asks them "Who on earth is this Tony ?".
He was referring to the "WELCOME TO NY" signs !
You reminds me a holidays...... I´ll never forget that morning
We were on a "all- family" holidays (I was about 17 years old) in a beach hotel.
And my uncle said me : Mary , please, go to breakfast with your little cousin. We´ll be there in 10 minutes"
And when we arrived to the restaurant on the food there were papers with the name of it in several languages.
And when my cousin( who was 8 years old) saw the water note, he said ( or cried because it sound so so so loudly): "It´s sickening!! water from the lavatory !!!"
( in Spanish lavatory = wáter) |
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Posts: 62 |
Davie_G Posted Thu 06 Sep, 2007 9:50 PM |
Just been offered a ticket for the Pavarotti funeral.
Only a tenner! |
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