The only place that i end up turning to...
Helen *the original*
Posts: 789
Helen *the original* Posted Fri 18 Nov, 2011 9:00 AM Quote
Hey, it's been a while! I still think about this place but i don't always have time to come and visit. But i've found when you have a dilemma and you don't know what to do and you're fed up of trying to think it out in your head and getting nowhere...then this is where i always end up!

Once again my problems circle around the dreaded relationship category. I always used to complain about things on here in the older days so its obvious some things don't change...any one good at advice these days?!
Re: The only place that i end up turning to...
Posts: 3258
mili Posted Fri 18 Nov, 2011 10:22 AM Quote
Not sure if you'll get helpful answers here to your problems, but a lot of sympathy is always guaranteed.
Re: The only place that i end up turning to...
Helen *the original*
Posts: 789
Helen *the original* Posted Fri 18 Nov, 2011 11:00 AM Quote
I suppose i'd best ask the advice i need so people can actually respond if they have an opinion!

I know many will roll their eyes at this...and at the length of it also! Please, no vomit sounds either! Ha.

Basically i was set up with a guy through a mutual friend a few months ago now. We emailed back and forth for a while and we saw we had loads in common so decided to go on a date. The date went fine, we had a great time and he had suggested that we have another but as is life, circumstances happened and he lost his job and so his head went all over the place. He said to me that his main priority was getting work and that he didn't want to mess me about whilst his head wasn't in it, so we mutually agreed to give the relationship thing a break. I told him that i was still there as a friend for him and we carried on talking via email or text but didn't really meet up. After a while i suggested that there was no harm us meeting up as friends to do things in the meantime and he agreed so we had a couple of days out doing things in a purely friendship environment i.e. going to watch sporty stuff...anyway to cut this long saga a bit shorter, he eventually got a job. So as usual there was me thinking that maybe this meant that we could get things back on track but no, by this point we were in the friend zone. I carried on being confused about things so in the end i decided to talk to him because i wasn't sure if feelings could just disappear because mine hadn't. We had an open and honest discussion about things and we came to the conclusion that we were better off as friends. I think that he basically didn't like me that way anymore (even though he never said this directly), and i would be lying if i said that i didn't want to be with him but at the end of it i was just happy to have him around as a friend and would never push that boundary.

Now we're kind of purgatory. We're clearly friends but we don't go out very often, i'd say about once a month perhaps less. When we do go out it's to watch sport, never anything else, and it's always up to me to arrange these things. When i've suggested we do other stuff like go to the pub or cinema he always wants to invite our mutual friends which i have no problem with, but if they don't want to come he cancels on me. I've told him that friendship is a two-way thing and he should try to arrange things too otherwise it makes me feel like i'm making him do things he doesn't want to do. He said quite clearly that he really likes it when we do go out but he's never been one to organise anything and the small group of friends he does have, always arrange things with him. He's even useless in sending replies to messages. Normally i would take this as a huge hint that he really wasn't interested in me and that he wasn't that bothered about being friends and i've found it hard to not take it personally but he says he's like this with everyone. But when we are together we really do have a good time but if we're in a group, he only talks to me if we're on our own or if i initiate a conversation. After talking to our mutual friends i see that he has some issues. He seems to have social issues where he doesn't mix with many people and he's told my friend that he struggles to talk to girls. These type of things would explain a lot but seeing as he's said we're just friends, i don't see why he can't talk to me like he would to our mutual friend? And why, seeing as he doesn't have loads of friends, that he doesn't get in contact with me more often or that we don't hang out more.

I guess the underlying question in all of this waffle is me trying to work out why there is such an issue between us. I've got male friends and i've never had problems with them and with us going out and doing things. He has made it clear that he also wants a relationship with someone but he never gets the opportunity to meet girls. I know that recently he has joined an online dating site, which i have to admit played with me a little. My friend said she really couldn't see him with anyone at the moment because he seems so unsure of himself and after thinking about it, i see what she means. It's like he hasn't quite matured and found who he is as a person and he's into things just to please other people. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact i can see where he's going wrong and i want to help him out. And i suppose my question actually is...what the hell do i do? I really do value his friendship (when i've actually got him to meet me and we do hang out) and i wish we went out more, but other than going mental at him, what can i do?! My friend say he's a waste of space and he's always going to mess me about but i can't help but feel that i'm supposed to stick around and help him out in some way. Maybe i'm the idiot!

Sorry this has been such an essay but it helps just to write it down and send it out into cyberspace with all of the other wonderments out there...
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