Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.So the mortician rolled him over.Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.''What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'
And there's more... Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.(For you Americans, a spanner is a wrench.) 'A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!' The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner. 'Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing b*stard!!!'The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, butI will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!
'A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?' The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.'
In Irish bar in New York the place is empty except for two old drunks sitting at opposite ends of the bar, the first drunk hears the other ‘s accent and asks “Where are you from in the Old Country?”, “Co. Tipp” comes the reply “Jaysus me too, where abouts in Tipp” he asks, “Cashel”, comes the answer, “Feck’s sake, me too, where abouts in Cashel?” he declares “The Green” the other drunk says getting a little excited. He then replies “I don’t believe this, which number house on the Green?”, “Number 42, next to O’Rielly’s Pub” “Oh Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Do you know I was brought up in that house!!” and just at that the phone rings, The Barman answers, it his boss, he asks, “Busy tonight?”, The Barman says “No, just the Ryan brothers, they’re Pissed again!!!”
Paddy rushes into the bar and screams at the barman “Quick, a double Jameson!” he downs it in one and says “Quick, another double Jameson” two gulps later he says “C’mon another Double Jameson” the barman pours it hands it to him and Paddy downs it, he then looks deadly seriously straight at the barman “You know, I really shouldn’t be drinking this with what I have”, The Barman replies “Why what have you got…?” Paddy says “50 pence”.
Dubz
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