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weirdmom Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:21 PM |
| My boss is on a business trip and he just emailed me asking me to send him some jokes for him to tell at a dinner tonight. They'll be 100+ people there and the jokes need to be clean. He's looking for more short-story type jokes versus one-liners. Any suggestions? The sites I'm finding don't have good ones. |
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Turtleneck Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:22 PM |
| "I just flew in from Austin and boy, are my arms tired!" Ba-boom, csh! |
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weirdmom Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:25 PM |
Here is one of my favorite standard jokes. I already sent it to him.
So there's this minister who loves golf only second to God. Any spare moment he has he is on the course. One Sunday he wakes up to such glorious weather that he can't resist. He calls in sick and gets one of the deacons to cover for him. He then drives to a golf course far away where he won't run into any parishoners.
An angel is sitting next to God watching this and says, "You're not going to let him get away with that are you?" God smiles and says, "No."
The minister proceeds to the first hole, swings, and hits a hole in one. Shocked, he moves on to the second hole. Same thing. On the third hole he swings and gets another hole in one.
The angel loos at God and says, "how is this punishing him?"
God says, "Who is he going to tell?" |
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ricv64 Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:30 PM |
| have to be clean ? I gotta a cool feminist one |
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Turtleneck Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:30 PM |
| He should have thought of this before instead of putting the pressure on you, sheesh! It's not like he just found out about this today. |
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megg_inc Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:32 PM |
Turtleneck wrote: He should have thought of this before instead of putting the pressure on you, sheesh! It's not like he just found out about this today.
shhh, her boss is Santa, remember? |
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Turtleneck Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:33 PM |
megg_inc wrote: Turtleneck wrote: He should have thought of this before instead of putting the pressure on you, sheesh! It's not like he just found out about this today.
shhh, her boss is Santa, remember?
No, I wasn't aware of this fact. So, is Anne an elf? |
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weirdmom Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:33 PM |
Yeah my boss totally rocks so it's cool. And he's pretty naturally funny.
Ric go ahead and tell the feminist one. Not sure how it'll fly but he can make that call. He knows the group he's with better than me. |
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weirdmom Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:36 PM |
Turtleneck wrote: No, I wasn't aware of this fact. So, is Anne an elf?
As you can see from my avatar, I'm a gorilla!
My boss not only gave me cold hard cash at Christmas but a gift certificate for 2 nights at a nice resort AND I got a sweet 24" flat screen monitor just because I wanted it. Now granted it's technically his property but I get to use it all the live long day.
So yeah he totally is Santa! |
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Turtleneck Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:39 PM |
| Cool! |
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Edel Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 7:42 PM |
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'
The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel
like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon
........................ You got nice house. |
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mili Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 9:24 PM |
I can't remember where these came from, here?
LAME JOKES
1. This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
2. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin”? I said, “No, permanent.”
3. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
4. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”
5. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’
6. I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood”
I said, “Where is he then?”
7. I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
8. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something
T something R.
9. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
10. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
11. The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it
if you paid me.”
12. I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener
to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
13. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
14. I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
15. This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
16. I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
17. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked
me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
18. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but
I’m no Dean Martin.
19. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible
are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
20. I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
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mili Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 9:29 PM |
And talking of lame ones, Christmas cracker jokes:
What school subject are snakes best at?
Hisstory
What do you call a crazy golfer?
A crack put
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit
What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesawus
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
Tarzi-pan
What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's digest!
What do you get if you cross an orange with a comedian?
Peels of laughter
What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A red carnation
What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog
How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla
What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid
What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.
Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies
Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?
Lucy Lastick
Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tired
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl
Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom
What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs
Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger…
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th
Why do birds fly south in winter?
Because it's too far to walk
How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wenceslas.
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas train home?
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along…
How do you hire a horse?
Stand it on four bricks
What do ghosts eat?
Spookgetti
What do hedgehogs eat?
Prickled onions
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of knickers
What cereals do cats like?
Mice Crispies
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Posts: 8299 |
Scottish Dubliner Posted Wed 23 Jan, 2008 11:20 PM |
What's the difference between a dog & a fox?
usually about 6 pints.
Dubz
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Posts: 2012 |
Darran Posted Fri 25 Jan, 2008 9:56 AM |
Instructions for parents with young babies..
More here
How to look after a baby... |
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