Posts: 8299 |
Scottish Dubliner Posted Tue 17 Jul, 2007 11:48 PM |
The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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Posts: 1608 |
dee Posted Tue 17 Jul, 2007 11:53 PM |
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
ooh i think i'll save that one for writing school reports in future...hehehe |
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Posts: 789 |
Helen *the original* Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 12:00 AM |
| That has just made me worry whether everything is spelt right on the cv i just sent off for a job...too late now!! |
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Posts: 4170 |
paul_c Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 12:02 AM |
Scottish Dubliner wrote: 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Fantastic, lol |
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Posts: 765 |
erikausagi Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 1:17 AM |
Scottish Dubliner wrote:
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
I'm totally agree!!! That is unbelievable!!! inhuman!! Poor guy!!!
hahahaha |
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Posts: 585 |
DavesUrMan Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 9:34 AM |
My manager in my lab last year wrote away with his CV,
and among a bunch of fibs, the last line was
"Please contact me asap so I can meet all the people I will be working with and see around the facility"
(As if that wasn't arrogant and presumptuous enough), then,
"I have an inspirational sense of humour and humanity"
I mean Geez!!!! If I had him at an interview I would just be like "It says here you're funny" "Thats right, yeah", "Care to demonstrate?"
:D
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Posts: 2782 |
Hanne Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 9:50 AM |
LOL
thanks for making me laugh :o) |
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Posts: 882 |
Sanne (nl) Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 10:01 AM |
very funny:D
Gonna keep that one, you never know when my next CV is due, lol |
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Posts: 1892 |
deebee Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 1:43 PM |
| Good one, made me have a little chuckle, hehe. |
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Posts: 3859 |
BenFilbert Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 1:47 PM |
Very funny read. Thanks. You can't beat Karl Pilkington's:-
Language: English, quite good. |
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Posts: 1726 |
Somewhere Else Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 7:08 PM |
| Thanks for making me laff too! :-) |
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Peewee Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 7:14 PM |
| Yeah yeah made my grin! I aint giving you no laugh out louds! :-p |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Wed 18 Jul, 2007 7:22 PM |
HAHAHA !
love this one :
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
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