Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 1:54 PM |
The nervous priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:01 PM |
another one
Riddle me this
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit... |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:06 PM |
Women And Drinks
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
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Posts: 2782 |
Hanne Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:08 PM |
LOL
I heard the first one before and i love it :o) |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:16 PM |
Hanne wrote: LOL
I heard the first one before and i love it :o)
the 3rd one is interesting |
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Posts: 2782 |
Hanne Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:26 PM |
AbsolutPurple wrote: Hanne wrote: LOL
I heard the first one before and i love it :o)
the 3rd one is interesting
Yes. I shall not reveal what I prefer to drink just in case I'm labelled. |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:37 PM |
Hanne wrote: AbsolutPurple wrote: Hanne wrote: LOL
I heard the first one before and i love it :o)
the 3rd one is interesting
Yes. I shall not reveal what I prefer to drink just in case I'm labelled.
sticking to my G&T and Pouilly wine |
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Posts: 2850 |
Peewee Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:42 PM |
| ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Posts: 8468 |
AbsolutPurple Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:43 PM |
Peewee wrote: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
which mean ? |
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Posts: 882 |
Sanne (nl) Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 2:47 PM |
| i love this, it is not complete but the best part is on there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAVEGOWln0w |
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Posts: 2850 |
Peewee Posted Thu 14 Jun, 2007 5:15 PM |
AbsolutPurple wrote: Peewee wrote: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
which mean ?
rolling on floor laughing my arse off! :)
aka extremely funny! Cheers lol |
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