This could be tightened up a bit but I really don't have time for that so I'll just post it as is:
Exorcists Battle Demon Toupee
Exorcists saved Warren Sinksetter, of Topeka, Kansas, from an unusual problem: a demon-possessed toupee.
Warren’s troubles began when, after years of failed relationships, he decided to improve his chances by giving himself a makeover, hoping to attract, "hotter, more quality ladies," he explained from his hospital bed. He stuck to a regimented diet, hired a personal trainer, and got a hip, new wardrobe from The Gap. After getting his teeth whitened, his buffer body tanned, and his eyebrows waxed, he felt ready to join a dating service.
While making what he hoped was a "winning video" the camera operator stopped and told him "dude, you don’t stand a chance with your head shining like the top of the Chrysler Building." Running out of funds, Mr. Sinksetter knew he could not afford costly hair plugs. A toupee was his best option.
As luck, bad that is, would have it, his drive to a respectable wig and toupee dealer took him past a store which Mr. Sinksetter refuses to name. "Considering what happened, I don’t want to piss off them evil people and them do a curse or something."
This unnamed store lured Warren in- perhaps with an enticing sign reading "TOUPEES THAT ATTRACT HOT, QUALITY LADIES FOR CHEAP"? It is only speculation because Warren refuses to elaborate, but Rev. Larry Wetter, a leading demonologist, gives his theory, "The devil plays on our weaknesses. Knowing Warren’s deepest desires, he would have drawn his latest hapless victim into his lair with promises of love. Who knows? Maybe if you drove by the store the sign would read ‘FLATTERING SANDALS SOLD INSIDE’."
The only detail Mr. Sinksetter will share is the "sweet deal" the evildoers gave him was impossible to resist, and even though he "felt like something wasn’t on the up and up," he bought the toupee. He confidently left, thrilled with the final touch-up on the road to love.
Warren arrived at the trendiest club in Topeka, "To Peek A Club", full of confidence and optimism. Mr. Sinksetter cannot remember any details past this point, but witnesses paint a horrifying picture.
Apparently Warren approached an attractive woman and using the opening line, "Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night," began a conversation. A connection forming, Warren escorted the woman to the dance floor.
All of the sudden Warren grabbed the top of his head and screamed "like a little girl," according to patron Dixie Appleton. The frightened clubbers watched helplessly as Mr. Sinksetter gravitated towards the ceiling. "It was like a magnet was attached to his butt," Dixie described. Once firmly attached, his limbs went limp and the toupee sang a slash metal version of the theme song to Sesame Street. The toupee finished its disturbing rendition of the children’s classic and began shouting at various club goers. The demon-possessed toupee’s words are too graphic for this publication but it can be revealed that it was not very nice.
Then manager of the club, Bob Perkins, called 911 only to have the dispatcher laughingly taunt him and accuse him of being drunk. About the only thing going for Warren was that next door to the club is a VFW hall. Amazingly, there was a conference called "Who Wants To Be An Exorcist?" occurring at that very moment. A waitress ran over to the hall and the speaker, Joe Herring, was thrilled to give his student a hands-on lesson.
Standing on a bouncer’s shoulders, Joe reached Warren and jerked him, breaking the seal. Falling to the floor, Mr. Herring grasped the toupee, crying out as it bit him. Yelling incoherent incantations, he held on and managed to pry the evil fake hair from Warren’s head. Unfortunately he took the top layer of his skin with it. Once removed, Mr. Herring easily rid the toupee of its evil influence, rendering the toupee harmless. Warren was rushed to the hospital where he is undergoing skin graft treatment for his scalp, and is recovering well from a broken arm, leg, and two cracked ribs.
Experts are baffled by the devil’s latest ploy but say it is becoming commonplace to hear of possessions involving inanimate objects, including a toaster, Stairmaster, love seat, and a salad fork. "We think he’s getting bored with people," speculates Rev. Larry Wetter.
Warren is thankful to be alive, though he wishes Mr. Herring could have rid his toupee of the demon before ripping it off his head. But what became of the toupee? Joe Herring kept it as a testament to his latest exorcism. "This toupee is gonna take my conference to a whole new level." As for Warren, "there’s a cute nurse who thinks I’m sweet and wants to go out for drinks once I’ve had the skin grafts." Maybe Warren’s road is curving into the Tunnel of Love?
I forgot about this one. This I wrote for an online writing cirlce I was part of for awhile. All the names are either members or some sort of inside joke.
Smelly Co-Worker Can’t Be Fired
Though Leo Boone’s armpits are “lethal”, according to fellow employee Addie Buehler, Diddle Corporation head Anne Delahoussaye claims her hands are tied. “HR says there is nothing in the employee handbook about hygiene requirements and firing this stinky bastard would leave us open to a huge lawsuit.”
Unfortunately it seems either way they are going to be sued. Addie Buehler, along with several others employees, have filed a lawsuit against Diddle Corporation, maker of vinyl belts, claiming the work environment is “hazardous to their health and has led to some unnecessary hurling in the restrooms and desk trash cans,” explains top civil litigation lawyer Beth Goldsmith.
According to Miss Buehler, from the day that Mr. Boone joined their team, she started experiencing headaches from the smell of his armpits. “He sweats constantly. Profusely. Ridiculously. I have compassion for that but it is affecting our work. Every time he leans over me to point at something on a drawing, I gag. Why should I have to work with that?”
The man at the center of this smelly storm was not available for comment. Friend Rachel Campbell, acting as his spokesperson, said he is embarrassed and was planning to see a doctor soon. “He had no idea anyone about the smell. Not only does he have a sweating problem but surgeries to correct a severe snoring disorder altered his sense of smell.”
Mr. Boone is considering counter-suing for libel and public defamation.
